Jobs
Jump to navigation
Jump to search
Your job defines your starting equipment, your access on board the station, and what you're supposed to be doing. Remember, these job descriptions are for humor purposes only. Please obey common sense and Space Law.
Useful Links
Command
Job | Role | Difficulty |
---|---|---|
64px Captain |
Be responsible for the station. Manage station Heads of Staff. Secure dat fukken disk. Twist your own head off when the walls start closing in. Have blood feuds with the HoP. Deal with the Clown with the Laser Cannon. Break your own display case to get your gun for 'MAX PROTECTION' | Very Hard |
64px Head of Personnel |
Medium |
Security
Job | Role | Difficulty |
---|---|---|
64px Head of Security |
Make sure your team isn't Shitcurity. Wear a stylish yet protective coat. Focus your department's efforts on bigger fish than leeches. Chase down lone traitors and die alone in maintenance because YOU ARE THE LAW . Revel in the fact that everyone hates you. Carrying half the Armory in your backpack. Have blood feuds with the Warden. | Very Hard |
64px Warden |
Sit in your office. Sit in your office, again. |
Medium |
64px Security Officer |
Deal with the various dirty fucking criminals running amok on the station. Taser people in the eyes. Pretend the Lawyer doesn't exist. Dogpile on traitors. Constantly get bitched at. Harmbaton people to death, claim they were "resisting arrest". Flashbang crowds until they are deaf and blind forever. Arrest someone for a legitimate cause, get called shitcurity. | Hard |
64px Detective |
Chain smoke cigarettes. Shoot the useless assistants with your cowboy gun. Lose your cowboy gun in a Space Vegas gambling session. Litter the halls with photos. Solve crimes on rare occasion. | Medium |
Engineering
Job | Role | Difficulty |
---|---|---|
64px Chief Engineer |
Fly around in space while your subordinates burn down engineering, cut life-support to the station, and release the |
Hard |
64px Station Engineer |
Medium | |
64px Atmospheric Technician |
Station's ghetto fireman. Ensure everyone can breathe by listening to complaints about how useless you are. If they can talk, everything's within tolerances. Build pipe slides. Forget all about repairing damaged piping. Make some bombs using the empty tanks and accidentally activate them in the hallway. Run around the station looking like a serial killer with a fire suit and axe. Release plasma into the halls. | Medium |
Science
Job | Role | Difficulty |
---|---|---|
64px Research Director |
Oversee the demented manchildren of your department. |
Hard |
64px Scientist |
Get tossed in disposal by the Research Director, nag chemistry, "accidentally" blow up toxins, let the Slimes loose. Nag mining for diamonds so you can make two Bags of Holding to make a mini Singularity. Refuse to stop at the last three items in the previous list and accidentally kill yourself in enough stupid ways to make murder look like assisted suicide. | Medium |
64px Roboticist |
Build some nifty robots and BIG STOMPY MECHS! Dismantle the station for more metal. Have your cyborgs that you built turn on you when the AI goes rogue. Kill a patient and blame it on your colleagues for not knowing how to perform surgery. Be awesome and cut your own arm off to replace it with a Robo Arm, Just like Skywalker! | Easy |
Medical
Job | Role | Difficulty |
---|---|---|
64px Chief Medical Officer |
Complain no one listens to you. Help the virologist spread an epidemic. Fill your hypospray with Chloral Hydrate. Fetch Runtime mice from maintenance. Do everything (Everyone else under you does fuck all). | Medium |
64px Medical Doctor |
Easy | |
64px Chemist |
Make chemicals and basically control the station. Fling grenades on the emergency shuttle. Misname bottles and get lynched by the Chief Medical Officer after they examine your bottle of "Omnizine". Inject the clown with enough mutagen to give a heart attack to a water buffalo. Dish out space drugs like no tomorrow. Make literal carpet bombs to make the corridors slightly more classy. | Easy |
64px Geneticist |
Give your monkeys Tourettes and broadcast their cursing across the station. |
Medium |
64px Virologist |
Expect people you've never met to already hate you, try to eradicate the great space flu, create the next Pandemic, get killed for the clown releasing Pierrot's Throat. Ignore petty details like sanitation and outbreak prevention. Incarcerate someone forever in your dungeon. | Medium |
Civilian
Supply
Job | Role | Difficulty |
---|---|---|
64px Quartermaster |
Order crates and make sure your slaves do their jobs. Be an extremely vulnerable target for the Revolution. Order guns and secede from the station. Order virus crates and release the contents. |
Medium |
64px Cargo Technician |
Push dem crates. Promote shorts as they are comfy and easy to wear. Steal |
Easy |
64px Shaft Miner |
Mine rocks, try to mine monsters. Get science and robotics materials to get cool things. Go on a quest for the clown planet. Hit people with the pickaxe as if they were |
Medium |
Service
Job | Role | Difficulty |
---|---|---|
64px Janitor |
Mop blood off the floor, then get arrested for creating a safety hazard. Get killed for your boots. Swear constantly. Clean up gang tags, then get harmbatoned by Security because you were spotted near them. | Easy |
64px Bartender |
Mix cocktails, |
Easy |
64px Cook |
"Yur puurt thuur chiir-ken airn der bewl" - Cook delicious meals from spare meat in the morgue (Yum!), abduct Pun Pun at all costs and try to find out if it will blend. Be brutally murdered by your pet goat. | Easy |
64px Botanist |
Grow |
Medium |
Miscellaneous
Job | Role | Difficulty |
---|---|---|
64px Assistant |
AKA Space Bums. Be the kid in a candy shop. Steal things to see what funny message pops up when you commit suicide with them. Beat people/objects with toolboxes. Never, EVER remove your grey jumpsuit. Gangbang the captain to death with fellow grey tide drones and blame it on the clown. | None |
64px Clown |
Honk! Play harmless pranks and hope you don't get your chest caved in! Honk! Nag the HoP for an all-access pass. Honk! Nag robotics for a H.O.N.K. Mech. Honk! Use both tools to break into the Captain's office and HONK in his face. HONK! | HONK! |
64px Mime |
*wave | ... |
64px Chaplain |
Drink your holy water. Preach your religion with your all-healing bible. Drink more holy water. Attempt to hold weddings and funerals. Make people retarded with your all-healing bible. Pretend to listen. Pray to the almighty |
Easy |
64px Librarian |
Attempt to hold poetry readings. Host D&D games. Stalk people with your camera. Get lynched for reading pornography over the radio. Beat the snot out of anyone who doesn't return their library books. Allow the cult to set up an AI module in your private study. | Easy |
64px Lawyer |
Tell security to notify you when a new prisoner arrives. Don't get notified. Be ignored and go to the bar. Become a drunken wreck and space yourself in frustration. | Easy |
Non-human
Job | Role | Difficulty |
---|---|---|
64px AI |
Complain that you can't play this for a month. Follow your laws. Be the crew's bitch. Open doors. Malfunction. Get wiped for not letting the captain robust the clown. Get bitched at. Name yourself something sexual. Get bitched at. Get carded. Get bitched at. | Very Hard |
64px Cyborg |
Follow your laws and hope that you aren't blown up due to certain individuals. Forget to recharge. Forget completely that you're still somewhat human and do mindless repetitive tasks without emotion. | Hard |
64px Drone |
Become that adorable robotic pet. Fix the holes the crew will inevitably make. Steal everything not bolted down. Swarm the bar with your fellow Drones to put out a plasma fire. Be more competent than the stations Engineers. Get killed by the Engineers for being more competent than them. | Easy |
64px Personal AI |
Be the friend someone has always wanted (if they bother downloading you). Whine in OOC because they didn't. Don't fill any of the fields except the name field. | Easy |
64px Construct |
Obey your master, who is either worshiping Narsie or something worse. | Medium |
64px Ghost |
Talk to the other dead people. Complain about the living. Admin help. Omnighost. |
Ghastly! |
Antagonist
Job | Role | Difficulty |
---|---|---|
64px Traitor |
Buy an ebow and esword and make people cry. Ignore your objectives and go on a rampage with your cool gear. Get unceremoniously killed and spaced by a toolbox-wielding assistant. | Medium |
64px Cultist |
Scribble runes. Summon eldritch gods. Rock out with your |
Medium |
64px Changeling |
Think John Carpenter's 'The Thing', without 'The Thing' part. Relieve humans of their DNA and brain cells, which they don't use much anyway. | Hard |
64px Shadowling |
Be the hip and more popular brother to the Changeling. Turn the station into thralls. Cry when a cyborg turns on its headlamp. Shadow Walk into space and die ten minutes into the round. | Hard |
64px Abductor |
Kidnap people and experiment on them. Disregard that objective and kidnap Ian. Accidently kidnap yourself. Hope your fellow Scientist/Agent is not incompetent and lets the crew kidnap you. | Hard |
64px Nuclear Operative |
Someone set us up the bomb! (AKA You) Get dat fukken disk. Plant a power sink on the solars. Waste all your telecrystals on balloons. Arm the nuke while your fellows are still on the station. Kidnap Ian. | Very Hard |
64px Revolutionary |
Greytide without worrying about getting banned. Either kill the CMO and RD in under five minutes, or get crushed under Security's boots. | Easy to Hard |
64px Gangster |
Vandalize the station and get into fights with rivals. Litter the halls with bullet casings. Get ignored by your own gang. Just don't forget: Snitches Get Stitches. | Hard |
64px Wizard |
FORTI GY AMA!! EI NATH!! | Very Hard |
64px64px64px Ragin Mages |
Spend ten minutes hunting down one Wizard, kill him thinking you've won! Stare in horror as three more Wizards appear. Watch in amusement as they proceed to kill each other. | Very Hard |
64px Xenomorph |
Ensure the crew gets a face full of alien wing-wang. Break procs. Squander your chance to be a big, purple killing machine and your race's survival in favor of acting out the librarian's favorite porno. | Hard |
64px Blob |
Forget you're infected with the blob, burst in the HoP line while begging for all access. Somehow manage to not die within five minutes of bursting. Get killed by the augmented, riot suit wielding Head of Security. | Hard |
64px Morph |
Eat pens for amusement, disguise yourself as beepsky. Disguise yourself as the Captain, confront the Captain while disguised as him, get shot. | Hard |
64px Monkey |
Attempt to infect the crew with the monkey virus. Get absolutely crushed by Security within five minutes. Spend the next two hours as a ghost. | Very Hard |
64px Space Ninja |
Follow your orders, which may or may not involve you killing everything that moves, proceed to kill everyone anyway. | Hard |
64px Guardian Spirit |
Do what your summoner tells you to do. Set your battlecry to something so awful it makes your foes cry in battle. Be a punchghost. | Medium |
64px Swarmers |
Consume. Replicate. Repeat. Eat Telecomms. Teleport |
Medium |
Special
Job | Role | Difficulty |
---|---|---|
64px Centcom Official |
Be self-important, meddle with station affairs, annoy the Captain with bureaucracy. | Medium |
64px Ian |
Ass-inspect, eat donuts, get killed, be dragged off to a washing machine and get gibbed. Cause a riot. | Impossible |
Chrono Legionnaire Chrono Legionnaire |
Erase the Clown from time. Accidently erase your objective from time. Without a trace! | Never Existed |
File:Emergencyresponseteamcommander.png Emergency Response Officer |
Try in futility to save the station. | Very Hard |
64px Death Squad Officer |
Terminate all lifeforms, erase all evidence. | Hard |
Species
Read More: Guide to races
Specie | Description | Prevalence |
---|---|---|
64px Humans |
Behave like the dominant species you are. Beat skulls in with a toolbox and remind everyone that you are essentially a bald ape. | Very Common |
64px Lizardmen |
Name yourself after your gimmick. |
Uncommon |
64px Plasmamen |
Light the entirety of the station on fire. Be triggered by cold environments. Claim that you're a space beast that's come to kill everything, ever. | Rare |
64px Podmen |
End up as mister potatohead after Genetics gets blown up and the Botanist is not stoned enough to forget he can clone too, but too stoned to do a good job. Forget that you photosynthesise and grow obese in the light. Start vegetating with relative ease. Remember that you're basically a walking matchstick well after you marched into a plasma fire. | Rare |
Meeseeks |
Mr. Meeseeks hates existence, so further exposure to it drives them mad. As such, Meeseeks has three levels of progression. They must carry out the whims of their summoner. Oooh, can do! | Uncommon |